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last wednesday around 10:15 i came down with one of the most miserable sicknesses of my adult life. in fact i can not recall the last time i had a fever, let alone one that lasted for 3 days.

but now we’re back and ready for thursday at the office. i always enjoy thursdays because i sit in the front office and there is no way of telling who might walk through that front door and what they might be holding.

my mail slot runnethed (runnethed?) over with some stunning religious articles the last few days. they were so poignant that i felt i had to share them. so, without further delay, prepare yourself for the revelations of a lifetime!

item #1 – Our Pilgrim Virgin Statue Of Our Lady Fatima, brought to us by the Foundation For A Christian Civilization (parenthetical sections are editorial comments by me, gene, unless otherwise noted).

Dear Mrs. (insert name of someone who lived in our apartment like 30 years ago whose name we have yet to ever receive any other piece of mail for…)

I am happy to let you know that our Pilgrim Virgin Statue Of Our Lady Fatima will soon be visiting homes in your area (FINALLY! Maybe now i can end my letter-writing campaign to the vatican)

If you would like the honor of having Our Lady’s Pilgrim Statue visit your home for a few hours (just enough time for some croissants or taquitos) or if you would like to know more details (like exactly how many wheels are there on the base of the little catho-bot?) about our “Mary In Every Home” program (this is more of a threat than a program), please call me toll-free (yeah, mary can afford an 800 number) at your earliest convenience at our volunteer office (probably the same volunteer pool as pbs).

This is an excellent opportunity (don’t i know it!) to learn more about the Fatima Message (you’re nobody if you don’t know the full breadth of the Fatima Message) and help spread it to family and friends! (i don’t know what jack bauer has done this year, but let me tell you all the work this little statue is doing for you!)

Our Pilgrim Statue’s schedule fills up very quickly (at this point i imagine a personal assistant coming into the statue’s trailer in the morning to run through the dailies with her saying things like ‘now i know you don’t like the food in memphis, but we have 38 stops today). She will only be in your area for a very limited time. I look forward to hearing from you!

(and now my very favorite part of this item…)

May the Virgin Mary protect you always (that crown is a good start).
In Jesus and mary,

The Pilgrim Virgin Program Coordinator

wow. i was so excited to get this piece of mail that apparantly the united states government decided was worthy of the Nonprofit U.S. Postage Paid stamp.

the “America Needs Fatima” foundation sent us this direct mailing from topeka, kansas…which seemed an odd location for the pilgrim virgin to end her pilgrimage…but…maybe there are wonders undiscovered in the vast expanse that is kansas.

a few simple observations of the image of the statue:

here we go…

this is a crown. and despite what you may think it is a woman’s crown, even though it was clearly inspired by the tops of the king piece in chess…and, despite what you may think you know about photoshop this plastic crown can actually give off a nice dissolve glow around the golden parts…so…don’t get it too close to your LCD screens.

this is a rosary…because apparantly even mary has to say “hail marys” even though she is in heaven…and is mary…and must have received a glorified rosary with her glorified body after her death…makes sense to me.

i know you went and saw The Nativity and now you think that mary was a young jewish girl when she had Jesus, but it’s high time you learned that she grew up to be a prim anglo-saxon who plucked her eyebrows.

and finally,

the unfortunate thing about being mary is that you have an eternal look of disappointment on your face. maybe she’s thinking “i wish i would have learned to play pai-gow while i was hiding in egypt…”

item #2 – The Big Annual 50-90% Sale at Deseret Book

i must say that the mormons have been slacking in converting my apartment complex. the JW’s too, but that is neither here nor there. however, the LDS folk have been working hard in my mail content…and finally they are offering me the bargains of a lifetime.

first off, i can travel with Time Out Tours to the “holy land” in april. which holy land you may ask, well Paris or Nauvoo of course. i’ve always thought of paris as holy…and had i known that there was a place named ‘nauvoo’ i can say without hesitation that i would’ve regarded is as holy also….wouldn’t you?

now, for a few of the items and their published descriptions within the discount catalogue:

Mobsters And Mormons

When Carmine “The Beans” Pasquale is nabbed by the FBI, he decides to testify against his mafia boss and go into the Witness Relocation Program. But can the “Cheesemans” survive in a world where everyone is Mormon, all coffee is bad, and scrapbooking reigns supreme? DVD and CD only $19.99 (down from $39.99)

Sons Of Provo

Sons Of Provo chronicles the struggles and successes of a group of boys fighting to become the most spiritual Mormon boy band in history (insert sarcastic, editorial remark). Packed with outrageous moves and saintly songs, these sons of Provo are out to entertain and mystify. DVD and CD only $19.99 (down from $39.99)

Gladys Knight – One Voice

In an effort to provide a greater variety of uplifting music and reflect her vision of LDS traditions (hopefully not the tradition of harming people whose skin is not white…) by having many cultures sing as one, Gladys Knight assembled the Saints Unified Voices choir, and the results have been phenomenal. Their debut album, One Voice, won a Grammy in the Best Gospel Choir Album category! CD only $8.49 (down from $16.98)

and my personal favorite:

Welcome To Stalk Lake City

Her life turned upside-down, Rhea Jensen moves to Utah, thinking she’ll just fix up a house and learn more about mormons while she’s there. But when a stalking case and a new neighbor fall in her lap (what?), she’s not quite sure what to do with either of them. Paperback only $7.48 (down from $14.95)

ugh. all that to say that the religions of the world are truly ridiculous. but, who knows, since a catholic couldn’t win the 2004 presidential election, maybe a mormon will win in 2008….

i hope you enjoy the grace of God today. i love that the Christ of the Bible is neither gimmicky nor lame.

blessings and maranatha

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in general, nonsense, quotables, something to read | February 15th, 2007